by Bethany Monk: If you’re a parent who is hesitant about having “the talk” with your children, you are not alone. In efforts to help parents approach the sometimes-daunting subject of sex education, Focus on the Family has launched: “The Talk: Changing the Conversation.”< Focus counselor Geremy Keeton, who authored the free downloadable guide, said it’s designed to help “ empower parents to think broader and be equipped to start many small conversations with their children, throughout every age and stage.” Keeton talked to CitizenLink about ways to parents can begin, or continue, to have healthy discussions with their children about sex.
CitizenLink:
There are a lot of adults out there who did not get good sexual education when they were younger. What defines healthy sexual education?
Geremy Keeton: It’s certainly way more than “a talk.” But many of us tend to understand the idea of sex education as a single event, maybe around age 12 or 13. That’s because we reduce sex-ed (and sex itself, for that matter) to being primarily about the body parts.
While dealing with puberty and the technical aspects of biology is
part of healthy sexual education, that’s only a part. As humans we are not only a body; we are a “
some-
body” who has a mind, will and spirit. Our sexuality is the same, encompassing body, soul and spirit. A healthy sex education deals with the whole person.
That’s why we at Focus on the Family called our campaign We want to empower parents to think broader and be equipped to start many small conversations with their children, throughout every age and stage.
Ultimately, of course, we believe the ideal sexual education begins with looking to the Creator and Designer of sex itself — the One True God as revealed in Scripture. Then, pragmatically speaking, every child needs parents who avoid procrastination, responsibly learn and deal with their
own sexuality, and thus know how to portray a calm, clear and nurturing biblical message to their child. This is the foundation; yet our parenting resource remains intentionally accessible and discernible for the Christian and non-Christian alike. Sex education is something on which most any parent could use healthy, relevant input. We hope we gain the privilege of being part of that with this resource.
CitizenLink: Rather than place all the emphasis on one big talk, how can parents make this an ongoing conversation?
Geremy Keeton: So, let me give you a “who, what, when, where and how” that defines healthy sexual education and can help it take shape into a process rather than being a one-time event.
- The WHO is the parents. Parents are to be the primary sexual educators. Be aware that silence allows the culture, peers (or worse, pornography itself) to be the sole educators
- The WHAT is a body, mind and spirit approach to sex and human beings:Body — We need to accomplish the objective of understanding and addressing the body and its functions in a non-shameful way. Mind — We need to teach wise decision-making and how to think about the self and others as humans, male or female, worthy of respect. Spirit — We need to lay a foundation for how to understand sex morally and symbolically, showing how it connects to our faith or worldview.
- The WHEN & WHERE is starting now and wherever appropriate. Integrate talking about relationships, marriage and sexuality little-by-little into every part of your parenting from birth onward. Create conversation in a variety of contexts.
- The HOW is through casual yet intentional parent-child interaction. Milestone events, like puberty or dating, of course require extra attention; but the ongoing openness we are advocating helps smooth the way for what many parents have traditionally feared.
CitizenLink: What do we do if we missed the boat and haven’t been talking about sexual topics with our kids yet?
Geremy Keeton: There is no time like the present!
Fact is, you are not alone if you have not been doing this with your children already. Don’t sweat it, don’t get immobilized by guilt. Just pick up where you are. Our easy-to-use 18-page booklet, “Healthy Sexual Education: Basic Goals and Guidance from Focus on the Family,” makes all this approachable. This resource gives basic objectives for every age range. It also provides a few methods or ideas for accomplishing those objectives.
Download the free booklet
here.
If you are just starting this conversation, you can to the section for the age-and-stage of your child, and then backtrack in the objectives. Don’t rush or overdo it at all at once — just incrementally and casually discuss what you may not have talked about up to this point. We give ideas on how to do that.
Also, don’t assume they already know terms or have it all down. They may in fact know it, but they don’t know it from
you. YOU are the key, not just the information itself. Relationship with you is what’s important, so don’t just hand them a book.
I always find it easiest to create some natural excuse for starting a discussion — cue off some event that occurred with a friend or in the news, or suggest that you both read one of the resources we recommend. Our booklet links you to several other parent-child books that can be springboards for you at any stage.
CitizenLink: How do we protect our kids today in such a hyper-sexualized culture?
Geremy Keeton: Don’t be passive. The best antidote to lies is truth. The best inoculation against being misled and duped is to give plenty of healthy messages up front, first and ahead of time. Aim to preempt and “one-up” what the culture offers so readily (and so early) to our kids.
What I mean is, set the tone yourself rather than having the tone set for you by others. Lead with healthy non-shameful, non-skittish messages which give the good, true and the beautiful aspects of our bodies and marital love.
When children hear about a genuine article from a parent, it’s easier for them to detect and sniff out the counterfeits when they come across them on their own. And, that is what pop culture tends to offer — a disintegrated, me-driven, counterfeit sexuality that is devoid of the humanly integrated
body-mind-spirit approach we are talking about here.
CitizenLink: How do we help them know the importance of sex when there are so many confusing cultural messages that devalue sex or misuse people?
Geremy Keeton: Your question brings up a great point — it’s hard to give (culturally or personally) what we don’t have. That’s why our culture isn’t giving healthy sexual messages — collectively, we are not a sexually healthy culture in our attitudes, outlooks and labels. Sometimes we misuse and disrespect people sexually in the images and words we use. Even in our moral Christian circles we may often make gender or sexual attraction jokes that, when you stop and think about it, are at times fairly off-putting, shaming or degrading. Let’s find the plank in our own eye even as we also observe the culture.
Then, in so doing, speak graciously about all these things with your kids. Speak freely and calmly about what you detect in yourself and in the world. For instance, use good questions to help your teen self-reflect on what marketing or billboard images are doing to people. Or, ask about certain verbal references you hear or have yourself used before: objectifying labels like “smokin’ hot”; “hottie”; “chick”; “that babe”; or any other terms that subtly dehumanize and assign value based on one’s looks or potential sexual favors.
I want to emphasize, though, to look inward for the solution more than outward for blame. Get your own ducks in a row; address your own fears, wounds and possible lack of healthy sexual information or interactions. This is much harder than blaming outside sources for contaminating our kids. When we are at a place of personal honesty and moving toward personal health, then coming face-to-face with a messed up culture merely creates plenty of teachable moments with our kids.
Truth is, the foundation we bring from our younger years, or from the attitudes toward sexuality that we have picked up in adulthood, will influence and sometimes skew what we can offer our children. Being a humble lifelong learner — reading and getting competent professional counseling when needed — will help us gain what we need in ourselves first, so we can give that health away to our children.
CitizenLink: Does this resources have information for parents who have kids struggling with same-sex attraction? Or who are already sexually active? Or struggling with pornography? If so, can you talk about some of these resources?
Geremy Keeton: This resource certainly can open the door for parents to have a good biblically-centered discussion on the topic of homosexuality. However, it does not delve deeply into all the specifics needed if someone is actively questioning or struggling, per se. What it does do is keep you connected to your child enough to be able to “go there” and get more and professional help and information if need be.
The same is true on issues like learning that your teen had premarital sex or has looked at pornography. This approach truly lays the foundation and context in which parents can address difficult topics.
This said, Focus on the Family counselors are glad to help parents regarding a gracious, non-shaming and truth-filled response to children struggling with sexual issues. For that matter, we welcome calls on any topics not fully contained in the objectives we’ve listed in our basic guide to sexual education. We can be reached via our counseling line for a one-time consult at 1-855-771-HELP (4357). An assistant will take your information so that a counselor can return your call.
Dealing with a child’s questions or concerns about pornography or same-sex attraction requires a lot of skilled listening. Responding in a nurturing and useful way for a youngster on these topics is not a “one-size-fits-all” approach.
No matter what challenges arise, we are confident that what we are pointing parents toward in our e-booklet lays the groundwork to have a very good value-based response when difficult topics arise.
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